Crazy old Maurice.

Greetings from the world of tomorrow!

Things are fine and dandy here in the future. It is Sunday evening and I have just returned from an outing in the Jinju hills. There were many nice views to be viewed from atop the mountain. We even stumbled upon a colourful temple on the way up. Korean temples are situated in the most random places. This particular monument of magnificence was lodged in between a high rise apartment block and a butcher’s.

It has been a very wholesome weekend. Jinju is a pleasant place to go hiking during daylight hours but the nightlife definitely leaves something to be desired. It is ever so difficult to find a bar. Most establishments that say ‘bar’ outside are actually karaoke bars that have a series of separate rooms where one goes with one’s party to sing. I’ve frequented said bars in the past but it helps to be drunk before entrance or you're likely to feel deeply ashamed of your lack of singing prowess. For the past two weekends in a row we’ve ended up in the same dimly lit underground tavern simply because it was the only bar we could find that was actually a bar and not a cheesy singing showroom masquerading as a bar. The first time we went there I was impressed by the laid back atmosphere and charmed by all the kitch paraphernalia on the walls. The place was strewn with brick-a-brac in the form of car parts, pictures, trinkets and the like. Not being a very observant lass it took me a while to notice that the place was in fact littered with naked anatomically correct Barbie dolls, that the apron hanging behind the bar had a pair of boobs on it and that most of the artwork actually took the form of crude pornographic sketches. There was also a large phallic sculpture hanging from the ceiling with two round light structures placed suggestively on either side that I had not observed the first time.  On closer inspection, it appears that we may have given our custom to some kind of untoward gentleman’s club run by a porn king and not a quaint pub with a convivial atmosphere run by a friendly local. Well it’s a mistake we all make at some stage in our lives I suppose.

We have finally finished conducting the speaking tests in school. Student answer of the week goes to the young man who when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up confidently replied ‘steak.’ We will get a break next week from educating the minds of tomorrow. The first day of the lunar calendar is on Feb. 3^rd.  This marks the beginning of the Korean New Year and we get three days off to celebrate!  It’s a very important holiday over here. The shops are currently filled with gift sets in honour of the New Year. Unlike traditional western gift sets that contain chocolates or fancy soaps most of these gift sets contain seaweed and spam. But sure whatever you’re in to.

In other news, I was manhandled this week by a tiny Korean man. He approached me on the street with his hand outstretched as if he would shake mine but when he got closer he gave me a hug and then grabbed my ass! Most ungentlemanly behaviour altogether.

I shall leave you now with some words - marmeduke, risible, foible, hoity-toity and finally, bouffant.

I'll sing ya a song from the old country that'll make your face blister with the pity.

Annyeong!

It has been a particularly hardcore week in terms of teaching. The students are currently taking exams so my fellow ‘round eye’ and I had to ring over one hundred and seventy students to conduct ‘speaking tests.’ It’s a little perturbing having to ring children and bombard them with personal questions but the process had its funny moments. We were given a list of random questions to ask that elicited some humorous responses. I’ve compiled a list of my favourites:

Question: What is your name?

Student answer:  No.

Question: How are you?

Student answer: I am Korean.

Question: How old are you?

Student response: How old are you?

What is your favourite thing to eat?

Student answer: Pizza.

Follow up question: Why do you like pizza?

Student answer: ………………… Cheese.

What do carnivorous plants eat?

Student answer: Sometimes, I like to eat carrots.

Question: Describe your favourite thing to eat at breakfast, lunch and dinner?

Student answer: My mother is a good cook, I’m glad she lives.

In other news, I went shopping today and bought a rather fetching pair of red runners and was then rewarded for purchasing said runners with a gift of a tiny shoe in a glass jar. Which was nice if a tad unusual. My new runners aren’t half so comfy as my beloved lesbian runners but I felt it was time I invested in some shoes of less lesbianic proportions. It’s a slippery slope, when one starts wearing beige ecco shoes it may not be long before one finds oneself clad in a complimentary navy fleece or, God forbid, sporting a bum bag. Le shudder….

P.S. You shall no doubt be greatly relieved to hear that the silver box with the red eye that was concerning me is in fact a fire alarm and not a sentient computer bent on the destruction of the human race.

Sheep, like all wool bearing animals, instinctively travel north.

Friends, nobles, countrymen, the internet has finally been installed in our apartment! Let the world rejoice!

It is Friday evening in fair Korea and I am worn out from shepherding my young flock all week. I must say though, my workplace is a wondrous place to behold on a Friday as a bizarre street market peopled by many colourful characters appears outside the school on this day. All of the merchants are shrunken, wizened, old women who sell their wares from the side of the street. And by wares I of course mean fruit and big fish, not goods of a sexual nature. I’m afraid to approach them though as I fear they may be goblins and my mother always warned me to stay away from fairy folk.

In other news, I’m starting to suspect that my apartment building may be under the control of a smooth talking computer who is perfect save for his oh so human flaw of wanting to kill everybody. This may be a delirium brought on by tiredness but just look at this pic of the sleek Hal-esque red eyed silver box that is stationed on every floor. I have yet to hear it utter anything in a rapey Canadian accent but I shall be listening out… Constant vigilance is required, CONSTANT!   

I shall leave you now and arm myself for the machine rebellion… Gentlemen to bed for we attack at dawn!

Out of my way, I'm head boy!

Greetings all,

I hope you are all quite well. I'm in exemplary health myself.

All is still well in Jinju. The teaching is grand though the hours are a bit on the shoddy side… Most of the students in my flock are pleasant folk though. One individual has even taken to rewarding us for our teaching services with small pieces of dried banana. I believe the traditional gift to give a teacher is a shiny red apple but a shrivelled banana fragment is an acceptable alternative.  I also seem to have become the face of the teaching company. The director always gets me to interview prospective students even when I'm supposed to be in class and other foreign types are available.

In other news, the G-man and I ventured out of Jinju for the first time last weekend. We went to the nearby seaside town of Busan. I say town but it is actually a city of morbidly obese proportions...We were lucky that we managed to get the correct bus... All the signs on the buses were naturally in Korean but fortunately for us the Korean symbol for Busan looks like a devil chasing a small 't' so we were able to figure it out. When we got off the devil bus we were met by a fellow teacher. She and her gentleman companion showed us the sights. I don't care for the sea myself, too wet. But it's quite pleasant when viewed from afar. Our escorts also fed and watered us then drove us home. The drive home was most amusing as we had to share the backseat with a giant inflatable sofa. We were squished up against the window like recently swatted flies.

No other news really. I'm still trying to get used to the cuisine. Even the sauceless food is somehow spicy... Tis tasty but I sweat and sneeze and weep whilst eating coz it's so gosh darn hot! It's not good to leak so much whilst in civilised company...

Remember me always as a hero.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year all! I hope everyone enjoys a night of well mannered frivolity!

We had cake and pizza at work to celebrate the new year. But then the children showed up and we had to go teach them so the celebrations were cut short... A pox upon their young souls!

All is still well in South Korea. I went to my first Korean barbecue restaurant this week. Every table has a mini grill on it and you can cook your own meat the way you like it. Tis most good. You also get many side dishes full of inexplicable things. Food and drink in Korea is pretty good but I wish I'd brought some Barry's tea with me... I LOVE the whole tea-making thing! You know, the playful 'splash!' of the tea as it hits the bottom of the cup; the thrill of adding the milk, and watching it settle for a moment, before it filters slowly down through the cup, changing the colour from dark brown to...a lighter brown. Perching an optional Jaffa cake on the saucer, like a proud soldier standing to attention beside a giant...cup of tea! Please send me tea.

Anyways, hope everyone enjoys their New Year's celebrations! I'm gonna go to some kind of enchanted musical fountain tonight where the water moves in time to the music... A feat that is accomplished by some kind of Eastern sorcery no doubt...

Cheerio :)