The one with the island.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears for mine are defective.

I trust that everyone had a good weekend watching the Royal wedding. Even I could not avoid catching some of it despite being on a godforsaken island at the other side of the world.

I spent the weekend on the island of Jeju-do. It is full of green trees, black, white and yellow beaches, pink azalea blooms, grey volcanic craters, black lava tube caves and Korean newly-weds sporting matching outfits. It is ever so pretty and though the people of the island were initially stony faced, they welcomed us in time.

On our first night we went to one of Jeju-do's famous barbecued black pork restaurants. It was not until after we had dined on this local delicacy that we found out that the black pork gets its unique taste from its traditional diet of human faeces. Lesson learned.

The next day we rented a scooter so we could go hither and thither as we pleased. On Friday it pleased us to go to Hallim Park, home to lava tubes, hilariously small bonsai trees and some very exotic albino peafowl. We also saw some randy ostriches that kept trying to fornicate with each other while we were taking pictures...

After Hallim Park we went to a nearby theme park by the name of ‘Glass Castle.’ The guide book tricked us into thinking this place would be awesome by boasting of its monumental glass sculptures, all glass labyrinths and famed ‘mirror world.’ Some of the sculptures were cute like the wee glass flowers that circled the stream and some were terrifying like the rapey singing clown but most were just plain daft like the disembodied glass buttocks. The glass labyrinth wasn’t much of a challenge as we could see over the pieces of glass and the way out was therefore clear. Also there were only about 12 pieces of glass and they were all in a row. The mirror world was more of a small room really, though I suppose a mirror will make a room appear larger… I guess we should have paid heed to the sign we saw outside the mirror world warning visitors to ‘please keep away from here.’ At the time I thought it was just a mistranslation but the message seems quite apt now.

After the Glass Castle we rode down to Jungmun Resort where we paid a visit to the uber kitsch Teddy Bear Museum. This museum features a room where iconic moments from twentieth century history are played out by adorable stuffed toys. My favourite diorama was the one of the dismantlement of the Berlin Wall. You can’t truly appreciate the gravitas and pathos of this monumental event until you’ve seen it re-enacted by teddy bears. I also really liked the teddy bear art museum showcasing the ‘Mona Lisa Bear,’ ‘The Thinker Bear,’ and the scene from Michelangelo’s Sistine chapel fresco where God gives Adam the spark of life.

On Saturday we journeyed to the top of the volcanic crater known as Ilchulbong. The summit is shaped like a punchbowl but it is filled with grass rather than water because it is porous and the rain seeps through. At the base of the volcano we found a black sand beach with a seafood restaurant run by Jeju-do’s famous female divers. The divers are known as ‘Haenyeo’ and they are all terrifically old. Most of these shrunken old women are so decrepit looking that it is difficult to see how they manage to walk about unassisted let alone dive into the sea to gather sea urchins, octopuses and the like without the aid of oxygen tanks. They are pretty feckin’ amazing. A big crowd of people gathered to watch these wrinkled old crones don their wetsuits and gather their diving equipment before making their way to the sea. The mer-grannies were lovin’ all the attention and they did a wee song and dance routine to get the crowd all riled up before they went into the sea. It was pretty surreal watching them but then things got a whole lot weirder when a young lady from Taiwan gingerly approached me and requested that I pose in a picture with her because she mistakenly believed I was some kind of celebrity. How ruthlessly absurd. 

  

After seeing the crater we went to Manjanggul; the world’s longest system of lava-tube caves. The walls are covered with drips of re-solidified rock from where the lava caused the rocks to melt many moons ago. At the end of the cave there is even a 7m pillar made from lava that flowed down from the ceiling and then hardened as the cave cooled. Twas quite impressive. Oh and we also found our way out of a Harry Potter-esque hedge maze that was near the caves! Unlike young Potter all we had to do when we got to the middle was ring a bell as opposed to fighting Lord Voldemort with the aid of our parents' ghosts...

We had a bit of scary incident when we were returning from our day’s travels. We were on the north side of the island but our hostel was on the south. Night was beginning to fall and all of a sudden it began lashing rain and we were fairly exposed to the elements on our wee scooter. I find being on the back of a bike scary at the best of times because Korean drivers have no respect for the safe cross code and know nothing of the law of the lever. They see red lights as a challenge and think it is ok to drive on the footpaths. Apparently in Seoul around 40% of road deaths are pedestrians due to drivers and motorcyclists speeding along pavements. Given the dangerous nature of Korean roads you can imagine that I was a mite alarmed when we had to deal with the added inconvenience of Gareth being blinded by the onslaught of wind and rain. I have never had Botox but I imagine that the experience of having droplets of rain pelt you in the face at full speed is much like being prodded with needles in the facial area. It really did feel like we were being subjected to handfuls of pointy needles being thrown at us by an angry God. Unfortunately we died on the journey home, but we survived! I realise that line makes no sense but I heard it in Ice Age and it made me chuckle. We made it home safely but we were soaked to the bone. We dried off our skeletons and then all was well once more.

The next day we rode up to Mt Hallasan, South Korea’s highest mountain and the island’s focal point. Unfortunately we did not have time to go the whole way up as the hike takes many hours and we were due to fly home that day. Twas a pity as there is rumoured to be a rather splendid volcanic crater lake at the top. Though, maybe it was for the best. Mt. Hallasan is one of those old fashioned mountains that you have to climb up using your legs and I have gotten used to gliding up steep inclines by cable car. A wee roe deer ran out in front of our scooter on the way down the mountain but thankfully there was no collision. After returning from the mountain we had just enough time to take a gander at the very beautiful waterfall Cheonjeyeon Pokpo before returning home. It has a rather lovely footbridge above it featuring seven saucy nymphs.

Well that is all my news. Tomorrow is ‘Children’s Day’ in South Korea; a day where we honour the clay lumps of malleable evil known as children by giving them money. We have a day off though so I won’t have to see the young sprites for a whole day! Yay! :)